I'm 40, I have three sons, I Have had three long term serious relationships. I'm single now which is my choice, although at some point I'll explain my various breakups.
I guess I'm writing this blog for me in an attempt to order my thoughts and get a clear picture on the direction I'm heading. As I said I'm single, 40 and I feel like I'm standing on a precipice.
I sat in work today and looked in horror as I realised my handbag was open. I could see the DVD I was keeping in my bag rather than leaving it on the DVD shelf. It's a DVD of a drama series aired some years ago on the BBC called Tipping the Velvet. A remake of a Susan Waters book. How I came by the DVD is interesting but we'll leave that for today because that in it's self is a journey through time.
I watched TTV a few weeks ago. I watched it half at home and half in a B&B my excitement of watching it was so great I took my laptop away with me. I had another seminal moment while watching it I think the greatest thought that I had was that I need to widen my circle of friends not only because I needed to talk to someone when I had watched but because watching a film about women in a relationship seemed so matter of fact and right to me.
It was like I woke up at the end of the film I realised that while I found it an engaging story about women in love, the fact that although that I had found it beautiful not everyone sees this as normal. That feeling of being out of step washed over me like a wave. I felt so alive, so scared and so like I needed to connect with someone and explain. I couldn't talk to the people I had booked into the B&B with, and the person who gave me the DVD was not accessible either. Here in lies the realisation that I need to get out more.
After I had watched the film I lay on the bed and turned regular TV on. I watched the xfactor. I thought of all of the opportunities to follow my heart and instincts. I'm glad I didn't because I have my sons and I love them more than my own life. If I have the choice of not having my boys and never following my heart I wouldn't ever follow my heart.
Since I had them though I could of made better choices and that's what I thought about every time I have looked at a girl and looked away, every time I had thought about a girl and buried the thought so deep it almost didn't exist in me. I have only once followed my heart. I ended up doing the unrequited thing. I have always felt I couldn't talk openly because I had never had a female relationship and with out the experience of this relationship how can I possible validate how I feel.
And now confusion reigns should I follow my heart and jump into the 'L' lifestyle or stay single or bury myself again? Its a question that's really to big for me to answer.
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