I'm getting used to feeling at home in my new skin. Admittedly my new skin hasn't tested out the theory and put it in to practice, but I am making great inroads into finding the path I'd like to rum down.
I have joined a Women's group who meet regularly on Wednesdays. I go to a fortnightly quiz for women. I have been to a women only disco. The women from the Wednesday group all rallied and looked after me. I think they could see how worried I was and a need to nurture was triggered. I've meet some really great people.
On my journey I thought I could take people from my existing world. There are some people I have trusted and confided in. I still haven't spoken to my sons, but that time will come. I have however disclosed to a girl at work, and over the Christmas period I foolishly sent an email too two of the people I go to college with.
I'd spent the day at college chatting to two members of the cohort, one of which asked me if I'd write a reflective piece about the seasons and how I am affected by them. I was happy to do this as I'd spent time working on a seasons diary. The thing is I was rather relaxed about when I wrote it. I was sitting at home on a Sunday evening. I'd had something to eat and a bottle of wine. It was possibly the wine which made my tongue a little loose and my fingers tap words out on the keyboard that I wouldn't have ordinarily typed.
In my email I wrote about the seasons, I also tagged on a few sentences at the end to say.............. I was experiencing some changes in my world. I had started going to a women's group because I wanted to meet women I shared feelings with. I said that I wasn't ready to talk about this openly as yet and asked that they respect this not share it with the rest of the group. I also tagged another recipient on to the email, because I respected her, she took a matriarchal position within college and I felt she would have taken it badly had I not said anything to her and 'came out' to everyone else.
The email wasn't mentioned for a month or so and I'd almost forgotten writing it. Then I was in a class with the chap I had written about the season for. We talked for a while and all was well. He was very open and chatted about women he knew that had 'come out' and were living openly.
I found it difficult to have full conversations at college. I'd get into talking about something I'd watched or experienced and I'd find I was censoring myself. There would be stupid situations where I would start a conversations but not be able to finish them in case I'd be required to fill in more background information than I was comfortable with. I wanted once to talk about a quiz question but I couldn't encase someone had asked me what kind of quiz it was. This lead me to thinking maybe I could talk to more of the cohort.
I next came out to a fellow member of the cohort who I had a very different reaction from. She didn't have a problem with me telling her but told me I should be more aware of who I was telling because she already knew. I was shocked, and needed to ask her how. She was reluctant to tell me at first, she didn't want to feel like she was telling tales. I transpired the day after I sent the original email The woman recipient at the earlist opportunity went into college and asked everyone if they had received an email from me saying I was dating women.
I can't describe my feelings the sense of nausea mixed with hurt, disbelief and and need to know more. I haven't spoken to her in fact my hands are tied. I can't challenge her because I would be compelled to tell her how I knew. She is also very close to other members of the cohort and I fear repercussions.
It's a harsh lesson I've learnt. It's true once tooth paste is squeezed it cant be put back in the tube.
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